CSIS Determines Chinese Government Interfered With Thin, Beige Cookie Industry
By Luke O’Brien
Ottawa - A shocking revelation from CSIS— Canada's top intelligence agency— was released this afternoon, causing shockwaves not only through Ottawa but across the globe. In the detailed 395-page report, senior intelligence officials laid out their case alleging that the Chinese Communist government attempted to interfere with a weird, bland cookie that came in plastic wrap at the end of their meal last week at the Mandarin Chinese Buffet restaurant in Kanata. The most damning piece of evidence lies in the fact that the cookie—having been completely sealed and untouched by human hands—somehow contained a grave warning written on a small, rectangular piece of paper, reading, "A great many people have noticed you lately".
"This, to me, indicates that there is an imminent Communist invasion of Canada," said one unnamed intelligence official who was quoted by the Toronto Harold on the condition of anonymity, "we can't be exactly certain, but what is most important for our national security is to get people pissed off and freaked out about China as much as possible."
The report also goes on to say that their next clue in determining the origin of the threatening message was to turn over the secreted slip of paper. Upon doing so, they noticed a telltale clue—what appeared to be a state-mandated "word of the day" instruction, written in the indecipherable Chinese characters "篮球", cryptically followed by the English word "basketball".
"This is yet another direct threat to a hallowed Canadian invention, or possibly a signal to an embedded agent like LeBron James—or, as I like to call him, LeChina James," said the unnamed intelligence official to The Toronto Harold after what appeared to be five straight bottles of Mike's Harder Lemonade at 12:35 p.m.
Prime Minister Trudeau was urged by opposition leader Pierre Polievre to immediately take strong, decisive action against the Chinese government. At a press conference following the publication, the opposition leader clarified his remarks, stating:
"Justin has time and time again allowed these Communists to walk all our hallowed institutions, like the Mandarin Buffet Moon Festival, and other examples I can't think of right now. When I am Prime Minister, I will lead a government that ensures that we Canadians immediately begin preparations for thermonuclear war with our second-largest trading partner."
Prime Minister Trudeau rebuffed these remarks and instead assured Canadians that he would be sure to sanction the Chinese government by getting really embarrassed and flustered in a terse, one-sided conversation with Xi Jinping again.
At the time of publication, The Toronto Harold has also learned that sources inside the intelligence agency may have discovered another clue in the form of a sequence of numbers reading: 25, 19, 47, 8. While the intelligence agency gathers more information, some have speculated that these so-called "lucky numbers" may in fact be a type of code, perhaps signalling Beijing to begin their assaults on strongholds like Kamloops or even a major tactical target like Moose Jaw.
Luke O’Brien is a contributing writer and was voted Coburg’s King of the Beach 2022