John Tory Evicts Family Of Raccoons From The Dumpster Behind His Condo Building

By Scott Slute

Toronto - A family of five will have difficulty following Ontario’s stay-at-home orders after being forcibly removed from their home last night by Toronto mayor John Tory.

Lilly and Robert Smith, along with their three children, were awoken in their home last night as Mayor Tory attempted to dispose of the packaging from his late-night Jack Astor’s takeout. Upon opening the GFL bin behind his One Bedford condo building, Tory found the family living inside. The mayor took swift action in doing what he does best by kicking them the fuck out. Using an old broom handle, Tory shooed the family out of the dumpster and chased them down Bloor Street.

Mayor Tory, who has a proven track record of not giving a flying fuck where poor people lay their head at night, claims he had good reason to evict the raccoon family, stating that if the Smith’s didn’t want to get evicted then they shouldn’t have fallen so far behind on their rent.

“This family was ten months behind on rent payments to their property manager GFL Environmental,” Tory claimed, “And as far as I’m concerned they were making no attempts to pay it back. I mean neither of them even had jobs!”

Aside from the backlog of unpaid rent, Tory also claimed that the unit was in a state of disarray.

“Their apartment was an absolute dump. Garbage all over the floor, it wreaked of urine and feces. And those poor children living in their, they were eating garbage. Literal garbage! It was a sad sight,” Tory told us, describing the state of the dumpster apartment.

Though the mayor offered no sort of housing alternative to the Smith family, he did offer to buy them a Greyhound ticket to Peterborough, Hamilton, or some other Ontario city where they could be that mayor’s problem.

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold