The Harold Congratulates President Elect Joe Biden… And Also God Emperor President Donald Trump Just In Case…
By Paul Dudar
Philadelphia – On Saturday, the state of Pensylvania was called for Vice-President Joe Biden is now President Elect….probably. For well over a year Biden and Trump have been battling for not only the soul of America but the concept of western liberal democracy itself.
According to Biden Campaign Manager Jen O’Malley Dillon, “Finally, after hard-fought campaigns in a deeply divided American electorate, democracy has most likely prevailed… we hope,”Dillon continued, “With over 4 million votes in our favor in the popular vote and 273 electoral college votes, we can confidently declare that we definitely have this in the bag.”
President Trump, who was defeated after serving one term in office, is expected to probably step down and concede the office to President Elect Biden, or equally likely enact military rule and rain hellfire upon the people of America who have turned against him, ushering in an unstoppable Empire of Trump that will last millennia.
In the opinion of this reporter, the Biden Campaign offered voters a fact-based campaign with an eye for progress and science. The Trump Campaign countered with no tangible platform and an alternate reality of complete wacka-loon make-it-up-as-we-go conspiracy theories and a willful fantasy-based life of the world as we want it.
We here at the Harold offer our heartfelt congratulation to President-Elect Joe Biden on his victory. We look forward to the next 4 years of lampooning a gaffe-prone, 77-year old, President-Elect as he tries tirelessly against all odds to unite a deeply divided country and attempt to not sniff Vice President Harris’s hair.
We at the Harold would also like to offer our fearful congratulations to the soon to be anointed God Emperor President Donald J Trump. We look forward to meekly lampooning GEP Trump as his dynasty progresses through the next six to seven decades, before passing on Melania’s 3rd cousin sometime around 2066. We would also like to apologize for our posts this week and beg for the God Emperor’s merciful forgiveness.
At press time, Prime Minister Trudeau sent his congratulations to both octogenarians on their apparent victories “Depending on which tv network you watch or Twitter feed you follow,” Trudeau continued, “Congratulations gentlemen….. the border will absolutely be closed for the next 80 days!”
Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com