Doug Ford Announces If Ontarians Ever Want To See The Sun Again They'll Have To Pay For That Too

By Gabriel Venneri

Queen’s Park - In an announcement earlier today Premier Doug Ford revealed the Ontario government is taking steps to privatize sunlight. Ford claims the subscription based service is designed to give more Ontrians access to the weather phenomenon known as clear sunny skies, something the province has been lacking over the last month. 

“My friends, the current weather patterns are broken and not working any more. Our plan to work with private contractors will cut through the red tape and get more sunlight on more Ontarians' faces. For the low low price of $25 a month you can have access to regular amounts of sunshine,” said the extremely tanned Premier, “There will also be a free-to-use option for folks who don’t want to pay, sunlight will be provided for 15 minutes every 2 weeks.”

Supporters of the plan praised the creative ways the Ford government has found to continue to destroy the province in the name of profit. “Personally I was worried that they’d be running out of ideas. They’re ruining education, healthcare, housing, and the greenbelt to make a buck. I wasn’t sure where they’d go from there, but monetizing sunlight is brilliant,” said one unnamed billionaire. 

“I just don’t like the idea of poor people having access to the same things I have access to, that includes sunlight,” said another.

Meanwhile, critics of the plan warn that a lack of sunlight will destroy farmers’ crops and plunge the population into a state of deep depression to which Ford, in a somewhat threatening tone, responded by saying “Woah… I guess everyone better pay the fee then”.

Gabriel Venneri is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold. You can find him on Instagram at @gabevenn