Toronto Crime Rates Up 800% After City Votes Against Legalized Park Beers

Toronto - The city of Toronto is slated to become Canada’s crime capital after council voted against legalizing drinking in parks ahead of the first nice weekend of the year.

“We’re gearing up to deal with an anticipated uptick in crime this weekend,” stated Toronto Police chief James Ramer, “We’re here to uphold the law and ensure we stop all residents from having too good of a time.”

City council shot down a motion to allow drinking of alcoholic beverages in public parks, with councillors stating that could only lead to unspeakable horrors if residents were to consume hard seltzers in places like Trinity Bellwoods.

The crime index reports estimates that nearly 70% of residents in the city are expected to break the law this weekend, making Toronto one of the most dangerous city’s in the world.