Toronto Police Deployed To Remove Forest Fires Squatting In Public Park

Red Lake - As forest fires continue to ravage Northern Ontario communities, the province has sent in their most qualified team when it comes to removing things they don’t want in their public spaces - the Toronto Police Department.

Armed with batons and riot gear, the TPS marched straight into the forest fire and began to beat the absolute shit out of the flames.

Despite the flames putting up fierce resistance, the Toronto Police were eventually able to forcibly remove the flames from the public space. A representative from the TPS said this was one of their most challenging evictions, as the flames didn’t have any backpacks or umbrellas that officers could rip from their hands to use as weapons.

Though accomplishing their task, the Toronto Police did report some officers experienced a few minor burns. The TPS’s usual evictions tactics of neck stomping, choking and dragging through the dirt were less effective against the squatting flames.

“My hand has a couple burns and blisters but nothing too serious,” Officer Conner O’Malley tells us, “Flames tend to have a little more natural resistance than 20 year old girls do when you’re choke slamming them.”

Toronto Police Chief Mark Saunders expressed how proud he was of the tremendous job his team did, stating this was one of the most successful park evictions his force has done to date.

To ensure the forest fires don’t return, the province has deployed dozens of minimum wage security guards to stand outside the forest and sternly tell any passing flames to keep moving along.