3 Dead, 9 Injured After Ford’s 800lb Gorilla Squadron Raids Canadian Tire

By Oliver Green

Toronto - A grisly scene unfolded at a downtown Canadian Tire after the Ontario Premier unleashed his gorilla forces to raid the big box retailer suspected of not complying with the province’s lockdown orders. There have been three confirmed deaths, along with nine confirmed injuries, but many more casualties are expected ti be reported in the coming days.

At 10:07AM, the gorilla squadron was deployed to the Yonge and Dupont store suspected of operating at a 52% capacity; 2% more than the province has mandated. When the Assistant Manager of the store refused to comply with the occupation, the 800lb gorillas quickly turned violent and attacked any opposing Canadian Tire employees, along with several civilians shopping for essential items like Keurig coffee makers and table saws.  

The team of gorillas attacked using both guerrilla and gorilla warfare tactics. The primate forces used stealthy ambushes, threw their poop, and ripped the limbs off opposing combatants with the force ten times that of a man. From the perspective of this reporter, it seems that wild, 800lb apes are perhaps not fully equipped to be enforcing laws. 

The big box store was left in a dilapidated state. Snow shovels, banana peels, and bullet casings line the aisles of what’s left of the store. Canadian Tire’s janitorial department went to work immediatley, mopping up the blood from aisle 15 and vacuuming the gorilla fur from the garden department. However it’s expected to take months before the store will be ready to reopen, if ever. 

“Friends, don’t say you weren’t warned,” Ford ominously stated in a press conference held shortly after the attack, “What happened today was tragic, but if these big box retailers refuse to play ball with my lockdown orders, then this was just the first of many raids you can expect. I’ve already ordered a dozen more of the most highly trained gorilla soldiers straight from North Korea, and I’m not afraid to deploy more.” 

Reports obtained by The Harold reveal that the next 800lb gorilla raid is expected to take place at a Shoppers Drug Mart in Leslieville that accidentally stayed open until 8:07PM last Thursday after the closing manager lost track of time. 

Oliver Green is the wartime correspondent for The Toronto Harold