Loblaws To Hire Gangs Of Pickpockets To Streamline Robbing Customers

By Gabriel Venneri

Toronto - In an effort to streamline their business model, Loblaws has announced that they will be hiring gangs of pickpockets to roam around their stores and rob customers more effectively. The announcement came earlier this week and was delivered by Galen Weston, trying his very best to pretend to be an average working class Canadian.

“Across the country Canadians are feeling the pressures of rising food costs, we also know that time is essential to Canadians. To make things easier on you, we’re proud to announce in store teams of pickpockets so we can more conveniently rob you blind. No longer will you have to wait to get to the cashier, most of which have already been replaced with self checkout stations, to fork over your hard earned money to barely afford the bare necessities.” Said Weston, struggling to put his hands into the pockets of his $5000 jeans. “This move will also help give thousands of young street urchins the opportunity to build a better life for themselves, while kicking us a 90% cut of whatever they’re able to steal from you. You can feel good knowing that a tiny bit of the money we’re fleecing from you is going back to the community”

“Good sir Mr. Weston promised me and me bruvahs a warm bowl of porridge and two bits each if we was able to nick the fattest wallet we could find, he did.” Said lil’ Tommy Crampin, a dickensian pickpocket excited to start his new job. “We ‘aven’t eaten proper since me old man was thrown in the gallows. Mr. Weston is a good man, he is”

Weston mentioned that the pickpockets are not just limited to stealing physical cash, but also credit cards, nice jewelry, and PC optimum points.

Gabriel Venneri is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold. You can find him on Instagram at @gabevenn