Ford Plans To Take “Old School” Approach And Begin To Sell Vaccines Behind Local High Schools

The new program is reportedly called the “Ford Family Values” initiative.

By Paul Dudar

Toronto - On Friday, Premier Ford gave a socially distanced press conference in a less than typical location. Instead of the Press Room at Queens Park, Ford hosted a small gathering of reporters in the desolate parking lot behind his alma mater, Scarlett Heights Collegiate Institute.

In response to criticism of the province's slow COVID vaccine roll-out, Ford announced that he will be appointing his older brother Randy Ford to take over the provinces vaccine rollout. Brother Randy is most famously known for running the Ford family business Deco Labels, and for being Etobicoke’s 5th most successful drug dealer from 1983-1987.

“When two Ford’s work together, there’s nothing we can accomplish!,” the Premier said on working with his brother again.

“Folks! We’re very excited to bring Randy onboard with us. He has a lot of tried-and-true methods when it comes to giving people access to drugs,” the Premier stated, “If my brothers and I could sell epic amounts of hash this way in the 80s then we can vaccinate the shit out of Ontario from the backs of cars in high school parking lots.”

“El Caminos, 1983 Chevy Cameros and tinted out Suburbans will be heading to Arena parking lots, parks and dark alleys all over Ontario to distribute vaccines to those who can come up with the bread,” Health Minister Christine Elliott announced to a bewildered and uncomfortable press core. Elliot then looked sternly, yet lifelessly, into the cameras and reinforced “Snitches get stitches.”

The province will roll out its “Van to Schmuck Inoculation” program next week.

Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com