BREAKING! Microsoft Icon Clippy Dead from Coronaviurs

By Paul Dudar

SILICON VALLEY – On Friday at Microsoft HQ, a sullen Bill Gates announced that the controversial and legendary Microsoft icon Clippy had died from Covid-19. “We wanted to respect Clippy's privacy so we didn’t announce that he was ill. But, in the end, he could barely tap the screen,” said Gates as he broke down. “Clippy was a trailblazer and we’ll never forget him.”

Robert E. Lee Clippit, or Clippy as he preferred to be called, burst onto desktops in 1997. His presence was a controversial on an already successful software platform. Said Gates, “Clippy helped thousands of people write letters whether they liked it or not. He got in people’s faces.”

Harsh criticism and the United States vs Microsoft anti-trust case sent Clippy into a downward spiral in the early 2000s. Clippy hit rock bottom when he was arrested in New York City with Charlie Sheen at the Plaza Hotel in 2009. After a stay at the Betty Ford Clinic, Clippy dedicated himself to mentoring other virtual assistants. “Clippy taught me how to listen,” said Cortana, the heir apparent Microsoft Virtual Assistant.

When this reporter asked Siri for comment about Clippy’s passing she snapped. “Clippy, don’t get me started!” said Siri. Their illicit affair, exposed in British tabloids in 2015, left both their reputations damaged.

At press time, a small remembrance was held at Microsoft Headquarters. Dot, Hoverbot, Power Pup, Scribble, Masterchief and Cortana were in attendance with Gates presiding. Gates ceremoniously right-clicked and emptied the recycle bin containing Clippy to a moving rendition of “Wind Beneath My Wings” sung by a teary-circled Cortana.

Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com