Ford Hints That Phase 4 Will Allow Sneezing On Fellow TTC Passengers, Elbowing Your Way Into Crowded Elevators, And Shoving The Elderly

By Paul Dudar

TORONTO – At his daily press conference at Queen’s Park on Monday, Premier Ford outlined the details for Ontario’s upcoming Phase 4 Reopening. “My friends! It’s gonna be great! We have the best plan of any province,” said Ford. “We’re just waiting for Polka-roo gives us the go-ahead.”

“Folks! We will be able elbow our way into elevators, sneeze in the middle of a crowded subway car, and sit right beside another passenger despite the fact there are several open seats available," the Premier said excitedly.

“The big hearts of the people of Ontario have flattened the curve. We, in Ontario, can start open-mouth breathing on each other in crowded bars on Friday nights,” the Premier continued. “In Phase 4, you will be able to pull my finger, without wearing a glove or sanitizing your hands after.”

When this reporter asked about the push for smaller class sizes in schools to prevent the spread of COVID, the Premier smirked, “Smaller classes? Sure pal, we’ll pretend like that's a thing we’re actually planning. Once we reach Phase 5 we’re just going right back to cramming the little fuckers in like sardines, with even less money than before," Ford added, "We will also get back to washing hands with that useless pink soap previously found in school bathrooms.”

Following the press conference, Ford ran to his F-150. He then drove to a Tim Horton’s, less than a block away, parked illegally, left his truck idling with the 4-ways on and ran in to use the bathroom without making a purchase.

Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com