Uh-Oh! The Dumbest Guy At Your Office Is About To Explain NFTs And The Blockchain To You
By Luke O’Brien
As restrictions slowly lift across the country and workplaces begin to bring their employees back into the fold, many local assholes who just can’t shut the fuck up about the blockchain are excited to get back into work and have a breathy, 20-minute, one-sided conversation with you about running your computer for a long time to make money you can only spend on heroin or electric cars that frequently kill their drivers.
“I’m just really excited about the future opportunities for young, up-and-coming talents to finally take control of their financial well-being,” the guy at your work who blew nearly $17k a month ago on holding Gamestop stock was quoted as saying, “the blockchain really solves a lot of problems, like when the bank manager tells me I can’t withdraw my entire retirement account to play scratch tickets.”
NFTs, or Non-Fungible Tokens, are a new and exciting way of rendering a .jpg file with a unique, publicly listed ID by simply burning down 25 acres of rainforest. This enables anyone to prove definitively to their other 95 IQ friends that they, alone, indeed do own a digital picture of Mario nursing a pregnant Sonic the Hedgehog by giving him a sensual foot massage.
Sources say the man— whose Discord ‘friends’ outnumber his real-life friends by 9-to-1— has reportedly finished browsing Reddit and is ready to force you and other half-interested acquaintances to listen to why he thinks it’s actually really normal for a CGI render on Cinema 4D to sell for $69 millionUSD and use the equivalent electrical output of Norway to facilitate said transaction, “this is actually great news for the future,” the man was quoted as saying without specifying why.
At press time, the guy at work who spends most of his time driving the same five or six jokes into the ground was excitedly seen cornering another co-worker and asking them to “hold on a second” while they browse their twitter timeline to find Elon Musk’s epic new tweet about how bacon goes with EVERYTHING.