Absentee Father Declared “Hero” For Continuing To Never Visit Daughter

By Scott Slute

Oshawa - 37 year old Craig Harold has recently been proclaimed a local hero in the fight against COVID-19 by continuing to go out of his way to not spend any time with his daughter. 

Mr Harold, who now lives “up north”, separated from his wife shortly after the birth of his daughter Lilly. Relocating for work and to start a new family, Craig had been making infrequent visits to his daughter, by his accounts averaging “oh I don’t know, maybe twice every couple years or so.”  

Given the new social distancing measures in place to stop the spread of coronavirus, Mr Harold is now being lauded as a groundbreaking hero in the fight against COVID for having spent the last 11 years doing the absolute bare minimum as a parent. 

“I didn’t know people in the city were actually doing that whole social distancing shit,” said Mr Harold, “But I’m happy to do my part to fight the Chinese virus. If not seeing my daughter is gonna help get the economy reopened then I’ll keep doing it.” 

Mr Harold last attempted to visit Lily for her birthday in November, but she wasn’t home as it was 1pm on a Wednesday and her birthday was three days earlier. He then left a $10 gas station teddybear on her doorstep and drove home.

Mr Harold says he plans to continue maintaining social distance from his daughter even after the pandemic has subsided. 

“Ya the doctor said my old lady’s immuni-compromised ‘cuz she’s got asthma so I think it’s probably best if I don’t see Lola again until she goes to college,” said Mr Harold as he lit up his seventh cigarette in the course of our twelve minute interview. 

Craig’s heroic actions have prompted other husbands in loveless marriages to take up a more active role in their fight against COVID-19.

Divorce attorney Kumail Afridi has noted a near 300% increase in inquiries to his office since the first week of lockdown.  

“Ya I don’t think these idiots know the courts are closed,” said Mr Afridi, “But hey if they’re willing to pay my consultations fees I’m not going to stop them. It beats hanging out with my wife all day.” 

As a gesture of thanks, Premier Ford announced he will be mailing all absentee fathers a cheque. He noted, however, that delays related to COVID-19 may slow mail service, but it was definitely coming so just keep checking because he absolutely did mail them. 

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold