The Toronto Harold’s Comprehensive Mayoral Candidate Breakdown

Toronto - With Torontonians heading to the polls tomorrow to elect the next person to destroy the city, here’s the top candidates and everything you need to know about them:

Olivia Chow:

• Will replace all highways leading into the city with affordable housing

• Reminds older millennials of a time when they were optimistic about future

• Bike lanes where you least expect them

Mark Saunders:

• Friends with Doug Ford but it’s not weird

• Proven track record of pulling off turtlenecks

• Will make subways safer by adding emergency handguns

Ana Bailão:

• Worked closely with John Tory but not that closely

• Never held a job at Rogers Communication or any of the Big 3

• Wears glasses that scream “fun but firm”

Brad Bradford:

• Absolutely not

• Imagine saying “Mayor Brad”

• Looks like he manages a steak house

Josh Matlow:

• If you don’t vote for him he’ll cry

• Has stated he won’t use “strong mayor” powers because he can already do 26 pushups

• Surprisingly doesn’t live in The Beaches

Gong:

• Gong!

• Here to rescue Toronto

• #44

Ozempic:

• More campaign posters than all other candidates combined

• Will help residents live their best lives without giving up the things they love

• Talk to your doctor to see if voting for Ozempic is right for you