After Keystone XL Scrapped, Jason Kenney Amasses Militia To Defend Against Biden’s Act Of War
“The cancelation of the Keystone XL Pipeline is Alberta’s 9/11. The United States act of war will not go unanswered.”
By Paul Dudar
EDMONTON - During his first day in office, US President Joe Biden officially scrapped the Keystone XL Pipeline. After his calls for “consequences or compensation” were left unanswered, Jason Kenney has taken matters into his own hands and amassed a personal militia to defend his province from the US “vicious and atrocious act of war.”
“This is Alberta’s 9/11,” an unusually coherent Kenney screamed during his wartime proclamation, “Alberta will not stand idly by while our neighbours to the south defile us with an act that goes against the UN Peace charter, the Geneva Conventions, the Nurmemburg trails and the Sokovia Accords!”
Premier Jason Kenney has enacted a little known, and somehow still actionable, provision in the British North America Act, allowing for a Provincial Premier to “recruit and train a militia to face an imminent threat to the economic prosperity of the British Empire.”
“If Ottawa can’t be counted upon to ensure the wealth of a province that is determined to leverage its economic prosperity on an industry that can be tanked on a whim by MBS, we will have to go to war with our neighbours to the south ourselves!”
Kenney then unveiled one of the elite squadrons in his makeshift militia, comprised mostly of recently laid-off oil workers, the starting line for the Edmonton Oilers, and several Northern Ontario expats currently bartending at the Fairmont Chateau Lake Louise
“Fuckin’ right bud, we’re gonna show those Yankees what’s what. They don’t stand a chance against the boys,” said Brigadier-General Conner McDavid, 24, who was recently let go from Banff-Sunshine for being intoxicated while operating a chairlift at The Divide.
At $5000/week minimum per soldier, the Free Albertan Army is by-far the highest-paid army in history and features a vast armada of jet skis and snowmobiles.
At press time, Premier Kenny had blamed the Federal Liberal government for his province’s decision to go to war, before hopping on a Zoom call to beg Prime Minister Trudeau for funding for the Albertan Army’s Invasion effort, codenamed: Operation Blame Ottawa.