After Last Minute Recount, Tories Elect Rob Ford’s Ghost As New Leader
By Paul Dudar
Ottawa - In a stunning turn of events, the destroyed ballots of this weekend’s Conservative Party Convention were recovered and recounted early Wednesday morning, prompting Tory officials to announce the Ghost of Rob Ford as the new leader of the Conservative Party of Canada.
Outgoing Party Leader Andrew Scheer beamed, “This is the direction the party needed to unite the country, I guess. We need the kind of guy who isn’t afraid to take on the radical-left wing agenda of the Trudeau government while huffing rails in the backroom of the Bier Market on the Esplanade.”
The last time something like this took place in a Canadian political party was in 2017 when the NDP drafted the Sacred Crystal containing the soul of Jack Layton to attempt to defeat Thomas Mulcair in the 2nd ballot. Said Jagmeet Singh, “That was a wild time for us.”
A disappointed Erin O’Toole swallowed his pride and held a press conference early this morning to announce his resignation. “Even though the disgraced former Toronto Mayor has been dead for nearly 5 years, he still has more personality than any other member of the Conservative party,” O’Toole announced, “And with the late mayor’s history of racism, homophobia, domestic violence, drug dealing, and sexism, he is perfect leader for this party.”
An impromptu Pagan séance took place in the loading dock of the Shaw Center. Conservative figureheads including Brian Mulroney, Ezra Levant, and Jordan Peterson’s daughter gathered around an improvised alter made from wooden skids, adorned with Ford's Don Bosco Football Jersey and doused in Labatt Ice. Tory MP Pierre Poilievre then led the assembled members in a chant to summon Mallrog the Oil Sand God before setting the shrine ablaze. In a scene which this reporter can liken only to the end of Raiders of The Lost Ark, the spirit of Mayor Ford exploded from the pyre, screaming and lumbering back into the realm of men.
After accepting the leadership nomination, the Ghost of Rob Ford headed back to his old Etobicoke neighbourhood to “take care of some business”, and was last seen in a Tim Horton’s parking lot pouring an entire mickey of St Remy VSOP brandy into his XL triple-triple.
Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com