The Brass Rail Reopens; Implements Mandatory Hazmat Suits For All Patrons

By Paul Dudar

TORONTO - As the province begins to slowly reopen during the ongoing global pandemic, business are adapting new safety measures to keep staff and customers safe. While many restaurants and shops are implementing mandatory face mask usage while inside, one Toronto strip club is enforcing all guests to wear a military-grade hazards materials suit while frequenting the premises.

Having promptly closed in August after a staff member tested positive for COVID-19, potentially exposing some 500 people to the virus, The Brass Rail Tavern reopened it’s door yet again this Saturday with new and improved procedures to enhance safety; procedures which many locals are saying “probably should have been in place since the 90’s”.

“Eh, this time we’re not taking any chances with the safety of our girls,” club manager Saul “Sunny D” Domenico tells us, “We gotta lot of new safety procedures because as of September 5 2020, safety is The Brass Rail’s top priority.”

Domenico explained to us that after male customers receive an extremely aggressive pat-down by the bouncers, they will strip down and come to the stage to be closely examined for any signs of COVID-19 on their bodies. Once the gentleman appear to be clean and free of all disease, a woman named Tracy will begin spraying down their entire bodies with scalding hot water while giving backhanded compliments and asking questions about the customer’s father. Customers will then be dressed in Soviet-era hazmat suits Domenico bought from “a guy he knows in North York”.

“Don’t you worry about the reliability of these bad boys,” Domenico says, holding up one of the hazmat suits which still have the hammer and sickle patching attached, “They were field tested during the 1988 Sarin gas attack in the Iran-Iraq War.”

“Before the pandemic, men would always put their hands all over me in unwanted places,” says long-time performer Cheryl Candy. “Now, thanks to the thickness of the hazmat suits, I can barely feel their cold, clammy hands on my body. It’s a win-win all around!”

“For years my wife would give me shit when I would come home smelling like some other chicks’ perfume,” says longtime Brass Rail patron Chuck Renado, “These ‘enhanced’ safety measures will give me some time out of the dog house until the ol’ ball and chain realizes they are using chlorine as a disinfectant.”

Other’s are less enthused with the new policy. Vincent “Vinny” Vincenzo (Woodbridge, ON) was a longtime patron of the Brass Rail, but tells us with these new policies in place he will probably, almost definitely, most likely never frequent the Brass Rail again.

“It’s my body you can’t force me to do nothin’ with it. I refuse to go to any business that doesn’t respect my civil liberties,” Vinny tells us, “I mean it is my boy’s birthday on Saturday so we’ll probably come down for that. But never again! Except maybe the next time the Raptors win, I’ll probably come and celebrate at the Rail. But not ever again after that! Except maybe over Christmas because that’s a really sad time for me ever since my wife left me and took our son Mateo with her. But after that I will never go back!”

The Harold’s staff attempted to gather more exclusive one-on-one interviews with staff members of the Brass Rail, however our team was promptly escorted out after our Editor-in-Chief’s credit card was declined while attempting to order a third round of gin and tonics.

Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com