Biden Reassures Americans There Will Still Be Plenty Of Rich Old White Dude’s In His Administration

By Paul Dudar 

Wilmington – President-Elect Joe Biden announced several more nominations to his Cabinet this week. Notable among them is retired Four Star General Lloyd J. Austin, tapped to be Secretary of Defence. If confirmed, General Austin would be the first African-American to head the Pentagon. 

On Friday, in an address from the Office of the President-Elect, Biden reassured Americans that “There are still plenty of straight, wealthy old white men in the government.”

“We have lots of dudes in their 70's who should have retired years and years ago and still want to work long hours for a government wage,” stated Biden, “Are they committed? Deranged? Both? I don’t know. But they are the geriatric Caucasian cis males this country still has a use for.” 

This reporter asked if Biden was referring to any picks specifically, “Ya! Remember John Kerry?  Married to the ketchup lady. Loser in '04, Lieutenant Flip-flop Vietnam Boat guy and throw in  the Iran-Nuclear deal! We got him. That guy should be spending his day trying to decide if he  should sail on the Charles or golf at Augusta. No, he wants to tackle the climate crisis. If he wants it, I say go for it.” 

Biden continued, “I know, that honkey Anthony Blinken as Secretary of State didn’t really turn my crank either. He’s a good dude and can mend some fences and all that malarkey. But he’s  gonna have to spend his days knowing that Susan Rice would have been a waaaaaay cooler  choice.” 

At press time, Biden was on the phone with President Jimmy Carter. According to one staffer,  Biden has been trying to convince the 96-year-old, one-term President to take over as Secretary of Housing and Urban Development due to his work at Habitat for Humanity.

Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com