Doug Ford Unveils Plans To Turn Old Underground Cocaine Smuggling Tunnel Into Etobicoke Subway Line

Etobicoke - The Premier made a surprise announcement this morning by unveiling his plans to convert a previously abandoned tunnel into a new Etobicoke subway line.  The underground pathway was reported to have been previously used in the 80’s by two Etobicoke brothers to smuggle cocaine and hash around the Toronto neighbourhood. Allegedly. 

As part of the Ontario Line project, the new Etobicoke subway line, named the White Rocket Express, will only run between the hours of 7PM-5AM and will serves as a means for residents to get home during one of their drunken stupors. The train will ride around in an endless loop, between the proposed stops at Royal York Station, Adamson Barbeque, the premier’s house, and some guy’s basement just off Kipling. 

Artist’s rendering of the proposed “Around Kipling” stop

“Friends, let me tell you how very excited I am about this new line,” Ford told reporters at the early morning announcement, “It’s an amazing line. We imported only the best equipment for this line, premium stuff. You won’t find a subway like this anywhere else in Canada, it’s as good as the subways in Miami!”

For riders who were nervous about riding the full line, the Premier assured them they could just sample a little bit of the subway at first. “By all means folks, if riding the full Etobicoke line feels intimidating to you, I encourage you to just bump around one stop at a time,” said the Premier. 

The line is expected to open sometime after 2022 when the premier can finally unwind and really enjoy the line.