BREAKING: Doug Ford Runs Out Of People To Blame For Long-Term Care Failures

“Ummm, could we blame the custodians? Maybe they aren’t mopping the Delta variants hard enough.”

By Scott Slute 

Queens Park - After a resident in a long-term care home in Burlington died from the Delta variant of the COVID-19 virus, Doug Ford announced today that he has officially run out of people to deflect the blame on. 

“Folks, what happened in Burlington is an absolute tragedy,” announced the premier who ran on a campaign platform of defunding healthcare, “And once I decide who I’m gonna pin the blame on, boy are they going to get a classic Doug Ford talking to.” 

The premier said he and his cabinet have been meeting since early morning trying desperately to find someone else who could be at fault for his failures.

“We tried blaming the social workers for not getting vaccinated, until my daughter reminded me that it was their choice,” stated Ford, “And then we thought ‘Hey! We haven’t tried blaming the custodial teams!’ And we’re pretty sure if they cleaned a little harder they could kill 99.9% of the Delta variant. A least that’s what the Lysol bottle told me. So we think we’re gonna go with that.”    

Ford stated that he would be more prepared for the the future, and had already started compiling a list of people to blame for his next fuck up. 

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold