“Haha I Was Social Distancing Before It Was Mandatory!” Says Least Interesting Person You Know
By Claire Osborne
Waterloo - Michelle Stewart, best known for being the friend you only ever talk to in a group chat and are unsure if you even have her number saved in your phone, took to Twitter over the weekend to proudly declare that she didn’t mind the new social distancing laws because she was an introvert who’d rather stay in with a good book and some rooibos tea than go to party any day.
Seeming to mistake “being an introvert” as a personality trait, the recent graduate from Wilfred Laurier University stated that she didn’t even want to go to one of the recently reopened patios in her neighbourhood, questioning why she would risk going out when even before the pandemic and that her perfect friend hangout would involve her inviting three friends over to share a bottle of OPEN Rose and maybe everyone brings one thing for a charcuterie board and then they can all share a big charcuterie board and doesn’t that just sound better and also way more cost effective.
“They say we can’t gather in groups of more than 10… LOL won’t be a problem for me! 🙈😂🤪”, the 23 year old Stewart posted on Twitter, claiming that large groups of people give her anxiety but the more everyone thinks about it Michelle shows up to every party even when she isn’t invited and also always says she hates parties so maybe this is less of a social anxiety thing and more of a money thing because she never wants to go out but parties are free and like no one’s trying to poor-shame her or anything but like every time we fuck up and make plans in the group chat she’s in she always wants everyone to come over to her house instead but honestly it smells so weird there she always has a crockpot going.
Michelle, who obviously used to draw fake moustaches on the inside of her finger and hold it up to her lip when she was in high school, also commented how amazing it is she can now watch Hamilton on her parent’s Disney+ account because she really wanted to go see it live before lockdown but the large audience made her really nervous and, well I’m sure you know where I’m going with this…
Claire Osborne is a made up pen name because the author of this article has a real job and doesn’t want this shitty website coming up when people Google their name.