BREAKING! President Trump tests NEGATIVE for Empathy

By Paul Dudar

WASHINGTON D.C. – At the White House on Thursday, the President’s personal physician, Dr. Sean Conley, announced that President Trump had rid himself of any sympathetic feelings to his fellow human beings.

“The President has the personal toxicity of a man half his age,” announced Dr Conley in the Rose Garden. “The doctors at Walter Reed could not believe that President Trump had the mental and physical stamina to keep up such a bulletproof psychopathic personality while sustaining himself entirely on Big Mac’s and Diet Coke.”

For years, Trump’s critics have wondered how low the President could go with his self-obsessed toxicity. After over 3 years of making fun of disabled people, calling fallen military personnel “losers”, and degrading women, Dr Conley confirmed that “The President has no bottom to hit. President Spread-*cough*……. I mean Trump, had his scruples removed during his last stay at Walter Reed when he had those mini-strokes that he told me not to tell you about.”

This reporter questioned Trump carrying on business as usual when he is still likely contagious with COVID-19. Dr. Conley confirmed, “If the President had any fucks to give, he wouldn’t be giving them to those who work close to him or the thousands of supporters attending his rallies.”

At press time, Democratic challenger Vice President Joe Biden announced that in his first 100 days as President he would give more of a fuck than President Trump had during his entire tenure.

We at the Harold would like to wish President Trump the best during his recovery so we can continue to lampoon him well into his post-presidency as he defaults on his loans, slags his successor, and become the socio-political pariah and moral black hole he was always destined to become.

Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com