Chinese Government Begs John Tory To Get Off Tik Tok
By Scott Slute
Toronto - After Mayor John Tory joined the social media app to share COVID-19 safety tips with young voters, Chinese officials are now urging the 66 year old mayor to get off the state-sponsored app before he makes it lame.
“Bro please for the love of God this is so embarrassing,” said Cong Peiwu, China’s ambassador to Canada, “We worked so hard removing all the ugly people from this app bro. Stop trying to learn the dances and just go join Facebook like all the other senior citizen’s bro.”
Tik Tok has come under fire recently amid accusations that the Chinese government has been using it as a means to spy on users. Although the ambassador admitted that was obviously happening, Peiwu said that forcing users to sit through a video of an elderly man in a poorly fitted shirt pretend to enjoy EDM music was a more egregious human right’s violation than what his government was currently doing to the citizens of Hong Kong.
“Seriously my guy, having access to all of the City of Toronto’s internal emails isn’t worth watching this man embarrass himself on Tik Tok bro it is the most cringe,” Ambassador Peiwu continued, “He could deadass be filming on a Huawei phone, I still don’t ever want to see a video of this guy dancing to StaySolidRocky’s Party Girl. Please Mayor Tory, the People’s Republic of China is going to politely ask you one more time to delete your Tik Tok account.”
When asked about his thoughts on NDP leader Jagmeet Singh using the app, Ambassador Peiwu said that was no problem because Mr Singh is extremely attractive.
With Tory’s account received record low views, many Torontonias pointed out how this is almost sadder than that time 92 year old city councillor Norm Kelly was in a rap beef. Many residents are even comparing Tory joining Tik Tok to that time in 2015 when your dad insisted he could become famous on Vine.
As Chinese-Canadian relations reach a 50 year low, China has extended an olive branch to Canada and offered to release two imprisoned Canadian citizens in exchange for Mayor Tory deleting his Tok Tok account.
Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold