Canadian Families Thankful They Won’t Have To Pretend Grandma Didn’t Overcook The Shit Out Of The Turkey This Year

By Scott Slute

Port Hope - With new lockdown orders forcing Canadians to spend Thanksgiving apart, many families are still looking at the positives of the situation and giving thanks to the fact that they don’t have to eat their grandmother’s dry ass turkey this year. 

“2020 has been a tough year for all of us,” says Toby Macintosh, a recently laid-off personal trainer living in Toronto, “But at least this year I don’t have to look my G-Ma in the eyes and lie to her about how much I’m enjoying that leathery excuse for a protein.”

As families across the nation will be forgoing large gatherings this year due to COVID-19, many are reporting they will instead opt to share a meal over Zoom. The Holloway family says this year instead of eating a 15 pound turkey grandma didn’t brine and maybe only basted twice during the ten hour cooking process, they will instead all be enjoying a Swiss Chalet Thanksgiving Feast in the safety of their own homes.

“It’ll certainly be an interesting Thanksgiving,” says 28 year old Claire Holloway, “Sure the Swiss Chalet mashed potatoes are going to be cold by the time they get delivered, but the potatoes are cold every year because grandma cooks them two hours before the turkey is done. I mean technically they're both done at the same time but she leaves the turkey in extra long because she’s worried about salmonella.”

The Holloway family reports that to fill they void of lying to grandma about how great her turkey tastes, they plan to tell her a number of other lies this year. Some of the lies will include how well her grandson Nick is adapting to his online Ryerson lectures, and that Uncle Gord is constantly going off screen because he has a bladder infection and not because he relapsed over the summer.  

Without the ability to get together for a big, elaborate meal, Canadians are reminded of the true meaning of Thanksgiving; celebrating Martin Frobisher’s three failed attempts at discovering the Northwest Passage which ultimately ended in 1578 when him and his crew froze to death on Baffin Island. 

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold.