Uncle Excited To Finally Have Legitimate Excuse Not To Attend 8 Year Old Nephew’s School Christmas Concert

By Scott Slute

Guelph - As cases of COVID-19 continue to rapidly spread within Ontario schools, local uncle Jordan “Uncle J” Holloway is excited to finally have an actual excuse for why he isn’t able to attend his nephew Jaxon’s school Christmas concert.

“Look, I love Jaxon. I do. But I don’t love him enough to have to waste a perfectly good Thursday night listening to him sing Jingle Bell Rock off-key while wearing a silly hat,” Holloway tells us, “Now when he invites me I can just tell him it’s irresponsible for me to gather indoors or whatever. This COVID thing has been a real blessing.”

Holloway, who’s consistently brought a different woman to every Thanksgiving dinner over the last 11 years, says the pandemic hasn’t been the easiest for him and his family, but the news that he won’t have to pretend the recorder is an enjoyable instrument to listen to has been a shining light for him at this time.

“Sure, it sucked grandma had to die alone in that nursing home back in April,” Holloway continued, “But knowing I don’t have to sit in a poorly ventilated gymnasium for three hours listening to a bunch of 12 year olds struggle to play the clarinet, it was worth it.”

In years past, Holloway would have to frantically come up with a last minute excuse for why he couldn’t attend Sir Wilfred Laurier Public School’s Annual Holiday Concert. Some of his previous lies included emergency gallbladder surgery, his rec hockey league having a last minute playoff game that he had to be there for because he’s the goalie, and other things wee little Jaxon’s tiny brain couldn’t possibly comprehend and only processed that his Uncle J wasn’t there for him. 

With the number of coronavirus cases steadily rising across Ontario, and parts of the province being put back into a modified Stage 2, Holloway maintains it just isn’t safe for him to attend the concert despite the fact he doesn’t know a single person who is immunocompromised. 

“Doug Ford explicitly said not to spend time with your family. I’m not a bad uncle, I’m a patriot!” Holloway says while swiping through Tinder. 

When Jaxon’s parent’s informed Holloway that the concert was going to be streamed over Zoom, he said he would definitely be watching but to not ask him a single followup question on what he thought about it.  

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold