Canadians Relieved US Border Already Closed On Eve Of Civil War 2

By Scott Slute

Ottawa - As the United States prepares to elect their president and then immediately plunge into civil war tonight, many Canadians are expressing their gratitude that the shared border with the failed nationstate has already been closed for months due to the ongoing pandemic.

“Thank christ for COVID,” Windsor resident Darell Baugh tells us, “The border being closed is the second most exciting news I’ve heard all day, the first being Premier Ford saying it was ok for us to go back inside the Boston Pizza.”

The Canada/US border was initially closed back in March in response to the coronavirus pandemic. Canada’s top officials have continued to keep the border closed since, as America slowly devolves into Mad Max: Fury Road.

With US voters heading to the polls today to vote on whether or not science is real, the entire world will be watching in anticipation as the country completely collapses regardless of the outcome. Many Canadians have expressed their gratitude to live in a peaceful country free of racism except for Nova Scotia.

The US, who last had a civil war 160 years ago, is anticipating mass riots tonight regardless of the election outcome which, by most historians calculations, should devolve into full-blown war before Christmas this year.

At press time Canadian Prime Minister and tattooed hottie JustinTrudeau, who announced last week his intention to keep the border closed, was asked if he still intended to do so. The press conference was cut short after Trudeau laughed so hard he nearly passed out and had to go sit down.

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold