Premier Who Just Wanted To Sell Cheap Beer And Make Cute New License Plates Very Much Over Dealing With A Pandemic
Toronto - As the province continues through the second wave of COVID-19, Premier Doug Ford has finally admitted that he no longer wants to be the premier if it means actually having to work.
“Folks, when I took this job all I really wanted to do was bring back Buck-A-Beer and eliminate half of Toronto’s city council to fulfill a family vendetta,” the premier said as he unloaded a shipment of masks in a Shoppers Drug Mart loading dock at 2pm in the afternoon when he almost definitely had something more important to be doing.
“No one expected me to work this hard as premier, especially not me! Trust me folks, when my late brother Rob Ford said ‘Orientals work like dogs’ he had no idea how hard I’d be working during this pandemic.”
Ford pictured here unloading a box of masks for some reason.
But the premier has thankfully had his team by his side throughout the pandemic for him to unload all the actual work on too.
“Thank God that Minister Elliot, who should have rightfully won the leadership race in 2018 were the Conservative party not plagued with sexism and the notion of force-feeding nationalism down the throats of Northern Ontario residents, has been by my side through the pandemic,” Ford continued, “If not for me, Dougie, heroically putting Christine Elliot in charge of everything Ontario would truly be lost. You’re all welcome.”
But the pandemic hasn’t only effected Ford’s work life, it’s also beginning to impact his home life as well. The premier admitted that the constant criticism, both online and in person, was beginning to get under his very pink skin.
Premier Doug Gourd
“It’s exhausting. I spend all day doing my best to protect the people of Ontario while watching the cases rising more and more. I feel powerless. Then when I get home and open up Facebook to watch a cute cat video, the first thing I see is those idiots at The Toronto Harold calling me “Premier Doug Gourde”. It just never ends,” the premier exasperatedly said.
“And it’s not just the cyber-bullying folks. Every day I have these anti-mask wackos protesting outside of my house! I’m at a loss as to what to do about them, I can’t even pull out of my drive way,” the premier tells reporters as he wipes a blood stained ‘Hugs Over Masks’ sticker from the bumper of his F-150 which he swears is unrelated.
We here at The Toronto Harold wish all the best for Mr Ford, and hope he has many more successful years in politics so we can maintain relevancy!
Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold