Instagram To Remove Feature That Allows Users To Close App

By Gabriel Venneri

Menlo Park - In a press conference earlier this week Instagram’s parent company, Meta, announced plans to remove the ability to close the app as part of it’s next update. The company says they are excited to streamline the app, saving users the hassle of finding the icon on their phone, and precious time that could be used viewing ads.

“Ever been on Instagram, closed the app, then opened it again 30 seconds later? Of course you have! We’re just trying to save you weak minded humans time,” said spokesperson Darth Abaddon, appearing as a murky shrouded figure whose icy voice seemed to lower the temperature of the room, “This update will also help with social media’s negative impact on mental health. Our algorithm has foretold that within 6 months users will have forgotten what it’s like to live a life of self contentment. We know it’s hard to balance happiness and social media usage, so we’re eliminating happiness from the equation. That’s been our real money maker from day one.”

When asked if the company was concerned about negative reactions from users, the spokesperson responded saying, “We’re expecting some backlash, but if we’ve learned anything from cellphone companies removing aux ports and not including chargers with new phones is that you stupid sheep will fall in line pretty quickly. The update will also include a new feature where you can overlay your face on your favorite character from your favorite movie or some shit.”

Darth Abbadon ominously concluded that this update was the next phase in “High Emperor” Mark Zuckerberg’s plan for the “dawn of the new era”.

Before anyone could ask what he meant, Abbadon cackled and vanished into thin air, shattering all the lightbulbs in the room.

Gabriel Venneri is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold. You can find him on Instagram at @gabevenn