Conservative Leadership Nominees Debate Using Fifth Grade Level French

By Scott Slute

Ottawa - The four nominees for Conservative party leadership took to the stage yesterday to debate in a language that most people are calling “French”.

Peter MacKay, Erin O’Toole, Leslyn Lewis and Derek Sloan were all forced last night to debate in a language they were all quoted as saying “why do I have to learn this I’m never going to need it” about while attending middle school.  

Moderator Dan Nowlan kicked off the debate by asking, in French, how the candidates would handle the current calls to reform the RCMP given the history of racial profiling towards Indigenous people. After several minutes of blank stares and Peter MacKay furiously typing into Google Translate, Nowlan asked the candidates some questions, in French, that were a little more their speed. These questions included “what is your favourite colour?”, “is the word ‘dog’ masculine or feminine” and “can you count to 10?”.

When Nowlan asked Toronto-based lawyer and political-newbie Leslyn Lewis these questions, the candidate responded with a thumbs up and a big smile. 

Nowlan then held up several flashcards featuring cartoon drawings of animals and asked the candidates to identify their names in French. Rookie MP Derek Sloan almost scored perfect, but mixed up the picture of a cat with the French word for “hot”. 

Finally the floor was opened up for debate which was dominated largely by former Cabinet Ministers Peter MacKay and Erin O’Toole who, despite the name, is surprisingly not the female candidate. 

Mackay called O’Toole an “angry man” and mocked his “rouge” face (although it is unclear whether Mackay was mocking his red face in French, or if he accidentally broke into English to point out O’Toole has the complexion of an 18th century Parisian prostitute.) A noticeably frustrated O’Toole called Mackay a liar while constantly consulting his Webster’s French-English dictionary.

Former Defence Minister Peter MacKay’s French has noticeably improved since he was last heard speaking it. He attributes this to having spent the last 3 months of lockdown helping his 6 year old with his French homework.

The candidates are set to take the stage tonight for their English debate, which is expected to be easier to understand but equally idiotic. 

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold