Doug Ford Agrees To Reopen Outdoor Lacrosse, Badminton Courts, and Polo Fields

“Folks, after careful consideration, my government has determined these sports pose no risk to the fully vaccinated Conservative donors who play them.” 

By Scott Slute

Queen’s Park - Premier Ford has announced that after reviewing the science and his donation box, his government determined it was now safe to reopen outdoor activities including lacrosse, badminton, polo, and several other WASP activities.

“Folks, I’ve been speaking to a lot of people who donated a lot of money during both my campaigns for Toronto mayor and premier, and they’re telling me some real upsetting things,” said Ford, “These folks have been fully vaccinated for months after because they have the resources to fly to the United States to get them. They did the right thing, but now they can’t do any fun activities and its not fair.” 

The premier continued, “My heart breaks for these poor people. Not poor like you, I mean poor like they’re sad because they have nothing to do in their 6000 square foot houses. Which is why I have decided to allow the reopening of select outdoor activities.” 

When asked how he determined which sports were safe to reopen Ford responded, “If these are the sports that only the 1% can afford to play, that means 99% of Ontario isn’t going to play them. The math makes sense people.” 

As for the reopening of golf courses, the premier had disappointing news. 

“Unfortunately as golf has become the official sport of angry, white middle-class men, the courses will still remain closed,” said Ford, “But as the angriest and whitest man I know, trust me when I say that announcement brings me no joy.” 

The premier said that once enough poor people got vaccinated, then he would consider opening up soccer, public swimming pools, and other dirty poor people activities. 

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold