Man Who Hasn’t Worked Out In 4 Years Was Totally Planning To Go To The Gym This Month

By Scott Slute

Toronto - A local Toronto man who hasn’t exercised since going to that one crossfit class in 2016 has announced today that he was totally planning to get back to the gym in December and can’t believe his completely real plan has been sidetracked by Toronoto’s lockdown.

“What? No way, the government closed the gyms? I can’t believe this, I was TOTALLY planning on getting back into working out this month,” 32 year old Stephen Hughes tells The Harold several weeks into Toronto’s lockdown, “Man, talk about bad timing. I can’t believe no one told me this last week when I said I was going to start working out!”

A close friend of Stephen informed him that he didn’t need a gym membership to exercise and could definitely get a just as good of a workout at home.

“Trust me, I already thought about that,” replied Stephen, “But every store has been sold out of kettlebells since March! And I can’t do push ups because of that pec injury I got while doing a keg stand at Mike’s 28th birthday party!”

It was proposed that perhaps Stephen could take up running, but Stephen was quick to point out the many flaws and dangers associated with that as if he had already rehearsed his answer ahead of time.

“Oh no, it’s way too cold for that”, said Stephen, “Trust me I’d love to go running through High Park in -8 degree weather, but what if I catch a cold, or worse slip on ice, and have to go to the emergency room? We all need to do our part right now to not overwhelm the medical system and save those hospital beds for people who need them! God this is just the worst!”

Stephen tells us he plans repurpose the money he would have spent on a gym membership into buying a PS5. 

“It’s the responsible thing to do,” says Stephen, “The government wants me to stay home and not work out so I guess if that’s what I have to do I’ll reluctantly play Spider-Man: Miles Morales in stunning 4K visual instead of throwing around some stupidly heavy ropes and pretending 3.8 is a high setting on the treadmill. God this sucks!”

Stephen tells us he is definitely going to get back into working out whenever the pandemic is over assuming that clicking sound in his knee has cleared up by then because he’s really worried about over-straining that.

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold