Dr Fauci Encourages Americans To Continue Practicing Safe “O.J. Simpson Distancing”

With the economies of many U.S. states beginning to re-open, Dr Anthony Fauci has urged the public to continue maintaining social distance from America’s most beloved double murderer and unverified Twitter star, O.J. Simpson. 

Dr. Fauci, the longtime head of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, has advised that a minimum of 6 feet (approximately ‘8 knife lengths’) should continue to be maintained between yourself and Mr. Simpson to avoid being brutally murdered. 

Recent studies have shown that being stabbed multiple times by O.J. will be fatal in 100 percent of cases. By comparison, the CDC now expects that COVID-19 will be fatal in just 0.2 to 0.3 per cent of cases. 

Dr. Fauci’s warning comes despite President Donald Trump’s claim that the anti-malarial drug hyroxychloroquine will assist with the prevention of O.J. stabbings. Researchers examining data from previous victims have found no evidence that taking hydroxychloroquine provides any reduced risk of being killed by Mr Simpson, and in fact may be linked to an increased risk of serious heart complications. 

Mr. Trump has taken credit for the recent decline in O.J. murders, noting there hasn’t been a single reported O.J. murder since he took office in 2017. Experts are, however, pointing to signs of a potential jump in stabbings in states that are beginning to relax their O.J. distancing. 

This article was submitted anonymously.