New Study Shows 92% Of Millennial’s Retirement Plans Is “Someone Dying”

By Scott Slute

Toronto - A new study out of Rotman School of Management finds that the overwhelming majority of the city’s millennial population are now entirely banking their futures on someday coming into a large sum of money after a distant relative dies.

The study polled 1000 adults under 35, and almost all stated that they have no savings, they have no plans to start saving, their current cost of living does not allow them to save, and they really hope their widowed Aunt Denise has been hiding her immense wealth this whole time.

“We’ll my parents own a house, so in theory I could just start squaring in their after they’re dead,” 31 year old Candice Brown said on the topic of her plans for home ownership, “I think it’s paid off. Or it should be by then. I actually have no idea how mortgages work it’s never really come across my radar.”

2% of those polled said they were prepared for retirement thanks to securing a stable job and living with 8 roommates, 5% said they’re banking on a natural disaster wiping out civilization before this becomes an issue, and the remaining 1% vaguely implied an intricate bank heist was in the works.

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold