Galen Weston Assures Canadians Record Profits Are Not From Food, But From Medicine, Clothing And Other Basic Human Necessities

Ottawa - During a parliamentary committee hearing studying inflated grocery prices, Loblaws CEO Galen Weston promised that his companies record high profits were not due to grocery price gouging, but the from the sale of other essential products required for human existence.

Loblaws, and its subsidiaries including Shoppers Drug Mart and Joe Fresh, saw profit increases of roughly $1 million dollars during the first half of 2022. Weston however, was adamant that his company was the real victim of inflation and the profits could be easily explained.

“As Canadians struggle to purchase and eat food, their bodies may begin to slowly shut down and will require them to buy life-saving drugs from our pharmacists at Shoppers Drug Mart to survive,” Weston told the committee, “And as they slowly wither away they may find they are always cold and will require a Joe Fresh Teddy Fleece jacket to stay warm. And these things have been the reason for our record high profits.”

Weston concluded the hearing by suggesting that if Canadians were really so hungry, they could boil a pair of Joe Fresh for several hours until it is reduced down to an edible paste. An independent report from The Harold has determined that the “pant paste” is currently $3 cheaper per pound than chicken thigh.