Ford Fires Back At Auditor-General By Hiring Another 500 Of His Friends For Coronavirus Task Force

By Luke O’Brien

Toronto - Ontario Premiere Doug Ford lashed back at Auditor-General Bonnie Lysyk’s report which alleged widespread confusion, disorganization, and ineffectiveness by vowing to increase the number of ‘Health Command Table’ members to 1000.

In a testy return-fire, Premiere Ford critiqued Lysyk’s apparent lack of medical knowledge: “don’t start pretending you’re a doctor or a health professional, because I can tell ya,” quipped Ford, attempting not to spin out on the bizarre folksy affectation and say ‘you ain’t’, “you aren’t.”

Bonnie Lysyk indeed is not a medical health professional, and as far as the editorial board of The Harold is concerned, all governmental policy criticism must follow the same hallowed, respected rules of when your drunk idiot friend tells you that you can’t make fun of Derek Jeter for being a shitty defender because you personally aren’t a 20-year veteran MLB shortstop.

Doubling down on his impassioned rhetoric, Premiere Ford alleged he and his crack squad of 500 attendees from last year’s Fordfest were “really close” to figuring this whole pandemic thing out and to just get off his back. He also urged Mrs. Lysyk to “keep [her] stick on the ice, pal” in another one of the Premiere’s classic, colloquial, blue-collar turns-of-phrase one can only acquire from such far-flung Ontarian locales like The Queensway.

Premiere Ford also stressed that the leadership structure as constructed is essential for the operation of small-businesses during the pandemic and defended his appointment of hundreds of non-medical professionals to head a health crisis response, saying, “these fellas are some of the best minds, the top minds running essential businesses like car dealerships, real-estate development firms, Qanon barbecue restaurant owners—the hardworking folks like you and me who need someone in their corner during these uncertain times.”

The Premiere ended his press conference with the message that the “lack of personal responsibility and individual compromise” are the true culprits of Ontario’s disastrous Coronavirus response before embarking on his regularly scheduled appointment of maskless, breathy conversation with a McDonalds drive-thru worker.

Luke O’Brien (@lukeofbrien) is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold and is NOT an active member in the QANON community.