Ford To Ontarians: “Folks, ‘Bay Days’ Is An Essential Service.”

 By Paul Dudar

Toronto – At Queen’s Park on Friday, Premier Ford held his customary daily briefing. “Folks, we’ve had to shut it down! All down! Everything grey. We must all go to grey,” a despondent Ford told the press. “All non-essential businesses must close.”

Despite the provincial government's order to shutter non-essential business many big-box businesses have been allowed to continue operating, including but not exclusive to, the Hudson’s Bay Company.

When this reporter questioned why The Bay is essential, Premier Ford fired back, “My friend, Ontarian’s can’t live in this lockdown without essential services like overly priced Toblerone bars, very fancy sweaters, premium men’s briefs, and salespeople spraying you with cheap perfume.”

Ford continued, “Folks! We’re gonna keep the big boxes open while paying lip service to small business and pretend we’re not shitting on them. Especially if they own BBQ joints in my riding. Besides, it’s Bay Days! Have you seen the deals?”

“These low, low prices are an essential service,” said Ford, “You’ve got Nespresso machines for $99 on Wednesday, Smeg toasters for $149 on Saturday, everyday it just gets better! These Bay Day prices are not only incredible, but they distract from my piss-poor handling of the second wave!” A white envelope marked “Not Bribe From The Bay” then fell out of Ford’s jacket.

At press time, Ford was spotted at an ATM attempting to pay off his HBC Credit Card but found it difficult due to his love for cashmere and the 25% interest rate. The Premier was later spotted loading a palate of those creepy looking Nutcrackers into his F-150.

Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com