FORD: “Ontario Is Sorta, Kinda, Almost, Mostly Going Back To Phase 2”

Toronto – At his daily press conference at Queen’s Park on Tuesday, Premier Ford presided over a grim briefing announcing that Ontario was going back to a modified Phase 2. The province took this action following a dramatic spike in confirmed COVID-19 cases throughout the province.

Premier Ford set a grim tone. “Folks! The second wave is here. We have tried, everything from hyperbole to meaningless fines that we were never going to enforce in a million years. Personally, I have tried to cover up weddings that I didn’t want you to know that I went to. Nothing has worked,” Ford lamented.

Ford’s Chief Medical Officer, Dr Polkaroo MD

“Under the advice of Polkaroo and his Task Force, we are going back to Phase 2…..sorta,” the Premier stated to a room of confused reporters. “My friends, you can’t eat or drink inside anymore. We are shutting down all kazoo factories and squirrel grooming shops. We simply don’t have a choice.”

This reporter asked what consequences for violators of the new restrictions. Ford responded, “WE WILL THROW THE BOOK AT YOU!” The premier then motioned to Christine Elliott and Stephen Lecce who were engaged in a strange calisthenic exercise involving books. “We are activating the Ontario Emergency Book Throwing Unit, or OEBTU.” 

When asked to elaborate, the Premier stated, “This government is committed to publicly scolding large groups of people who congregate over the weekend by 2 pm the following Monday. We will continue to stop short of imposing any real consequences for these groups or the organizers responsible for endangering public health in Ontario.”

Premier Ford then applauded the efforts of the Metro Toronto Police’s recent crackdown on speeding bicyclists in his old City Council riding. He then jumped into his F-150 and headed north on Hwy 400 at 130 km/h to an event he described as “definitely not a wedding” in Muskoka.

Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com