Ford Revises New Campaign Slogan To “Ontario ‘Kinda’ Open For Business”

By Scott Slute

Toronto - During his press conference today, the Ontario premier who ran under the campaign slogan “Ontario Open For Business” in 2018, unveiled his newly revised slogan “Ontario ‘Kinda’ Open For Business”.

Revealing a hastily thrown together sign with the word “kinda” crudely drawn in with red Sharpie, the premier revealed he would continue to bring as many jobs as he could to Ontario, while simultaneously destroying the economies of cities that didn’t vote for him.

“Folks, I understand many of you unable to return to work due to limitations set by my government,” Ford announced, “But I’m here today to tell you that, unless you live in one of the red zones, Ontario is mostly, kinda, open for business!”

Ford then paused for just a little too long waiting for applause before turning the podium over to health minster Christine Elliot.

“We all need to do our part in defeating this virus, and right now the only way for us to do that is to keep all restaurants, movie theatres and casinos closed, while allowing schools to remain open and having zero social distancing protocols on public transit,” Elliot stated, “This government promises to continue keeping Ontario kinda open, no matter what.”

Elliot was then joined by Ontario’s coronavirus task force chief Polkaroo via Zoom.

Polkaroo was named Coronavirus task force chief by Ford in June 2020

“After extensive research and discussion, our team has concluded that the best way to combat this virus is to invest zero dollars into contact tracing, while simultaneously eliminating the need for a 14 day quarantine quarantine for international travellers entering the province,” Polkaroo stated, “Oh shit, I mean, POLKAROOOOOO!!!”

Ford concluded his press conference by promising the people of Ontario that, just like the entire province, his cabinet was kinda working on getting Ontario back open.

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold