Republican Lawmakers Propose Stopping School Shootings By Making Schools Illegal

By Gabriel Venneri

Washington - Republican congressmen delivered an address in the wake of the latest school massacre this week, stating that the whole situation could have been avoided if schools were illegal.

The address received a 10 minute standing ovation within the walls of congress for its bravery, honesty, and willingness to get to the root of the issue. Since the speech lawmakers have rushed to table a bill that would outlaw schools, which they believe certainly put an end to the senseless violence.

“It’s about time we did something about this. Education and guns have always existed and in recent years it’s become clear that one of them needs to go. The obvious choice is schools,” said one rich old white politician in charge of the wellbeing of millions, “If kids weren’t allowed such easy access to schools, The tragedy in Texas wouldn’t have happened... at school.”

Another politician added to that saying, “If schools didn’t exist we wouldn’t have mass shootings. Period. Where else would they happen? Supermarkets? Public transit? Malls? Places of religious worship? Movie theaters? Nightclubs? Promenades? General public areas? That seems pretty unlikely to me.”

The working title for their proposed bill is “Guns don’t kill people, schools kill people”.

To congratulate themselves for all the hard work they’re going to do, congress has decided to adjourn for the summer.

Gabriel Venneri is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold. You can find him on Instagram at @gabevenn