Triumphant Ford Proclaims: "Ontario made LTC homes safe from COVID so the elderly could safely die of dehydration in their own filth"

By Paul Dudar

Toronto - At Queens Park on Thursday, Premier Ford not only defended his government's record in Long-Term Care during COVID, but doubled down and declared victory.

"Folks, we have been triumphant. Ontario‘s long-term care homes are now the safest in the country if you only factor in the dying from COVID and not dying from literally anything else," announced an excited Ford as Minister Stephen Lecce dumped a bucket of blue and white confetti over his head,

The Ford Government has come under fire following several unsolicited reports produced by the Canadian Military following their intervention during COVID in 2020. On the floor of House Chamber Ford responded "Folks! They didn't die of COVID, I see this as a complete win. They died of neglect and dehydration as they wallowed in their own filth!" Ford then did a mic drop as Tory backbenchers rolled their eyes and Long-Term Care Minister Merrilee Fullerton gave a solo standing ovation.

Said Opposition Leader Andrea Horvath, "The Canadian Army report has concluded that dozens have died of neglect Premier-"

"But not from COVID," Ford interjected while doing pistol shots into heaven. Ford then plugged his ears and hummed "One Love" by Bob Marley.

At press time, the Premier was spotted smashing Mango and Grapefruit White Claws in the parking lot behind Scarlett Heights Collegiate, getting white boy drunk with some unmasked bros from Tribute Homes.

Paul Dudar is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold. More of Paul’s work can be found on Twitter @PaulDudar and his website www.pauldudar.com

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