8 Natural Ways to Cure Your Depression Even Though Everyone Knows You Just Need To Go To A Therapist

​By Connor O’Brien

Lifestyle - Folks, we’ve all been getting the blues from the recent lockdowns; but did you know it’s all made up? Yup! Everything about depression can be cured with these simple home remedies created by geniuses with Gymshark sponsors:

#1 – A Healthier Diet

​Top Ramen? Sliced Bread? No way you’re eating that, yuck, that’s why you’re depressed! You should only be having power bowls that have names like “Detox” or “Cleanse” and they should be $14 plus tax, if you’re hungry after that just have powder supplements or a handful of oats. Drinking, smoking, sugar, or any sort of fun also has to be cut! You can’t have any form of escapism or comfort from your life because it makes you unhealthy, you have to be on a diet regiment that consists of having to go to the grocery store everyday to spend $75 of your $336 bi-weekly paychecks.

#2 – Working Out

​Simply working out completely destroys depression in your head. Getting in the rhythm of working out in your studio apartment will help to make sure you have melted away all that unwanted mental health. You don’t have the space? You don’t have the equipment? That sounds like depression talking (which is made up by the way) just do squats and push ups or whatever it helps.

#3 – Drinking Water

​Look our society wants us to drink water, okay? That’s why we have so many choices of delicious waters at the store to choose from. All you have to remember is that if it’s more than $5 then you know it has health benefits, Fiji water is like Xanax, BLK water is Lithium, Smart Water makes you fucking smart so why are you waiting around to be cured? The answer is sitting cold in a fridge at Circle-K. 

#4 – Smile!

​“You’re never fully dressed without a smile!” You love hearing that, right? Well, if you smile all the time, you will completely forget every problem you have. Scared you won’t make rent this month? Smile! Only $40 for groceries? Smile! Your boss screamed at you in front of a bunch of customers and you were so hot with shame you had to cry in the bathroom? Smile, baby! Thinking about what if you didn’t have to commodify everything you do to make money in a system that proves itself to be broken time and time again all for the sake of some guy who went to Yale because he wants a big boat? Haha keep smiling, idiot.

#5 – Cutting Out Toxic People

​Whenever you’re sad, you can always depend on your friends. Although if you have someone in your life who’s toxic then you have to get them out!! This means anyone who mistreats you or hurts you shouldn’t be worth your time. Also, someone who doesn’t obey every command given, won’t be treated like a lacky, won’t entertain you 24/7, has to be walking on eggshells around you, and doesn’t beg for you constant approval should also be cut out because you have to be the boss as well. 

#6 – Go for A Walk

​Golly! A whole city at your disposal to eradicate the demons inside your head. Although we are experiencing UNPRECIDENTED TIMES during COVID-19 it’s still so okay for you to go on a walk. A whole walk, wow, that’s liberating! I bet you don’t feel sad anymore, huh, idiot? A big place to walk around in, don’t think of all the other countries who’s lives have returned to normal! Don’t think about how big the world is! Don’t think about the ever-expanding universe! It’s so big you could never comprehend it; you wouldn’t be able to at all!
Walking’s so fucking good for you though, it’s awesome.

#7 – Skincare

​A routine where you make sure your skin looks smooth and glistening is liberating your brain from depression. Make sure your face looks wet so people know that you’ve put $150 of that good cream on your face. Almost didn’t get out of bed this morning but I do look like I’m perpetually in a sauna. Y’know they sell little fridges for this shit?

#8 – Making Sure Mommy and Daddy Paid for Your Trip

I have to go!!! I have to go!!! I’ll get serious about my career when I get back!! I need to find transcendence!! I’ll start the Non-Profit when I get back!!!

Connor O’Brien is The Toronto Harold’s official teen intern who currently has every COVID vaccine coursing through his veins.