Grocery CEOs Ordered To Leave Their Private Islands and Palatial Estates To Come To Ottawa To Share How They’re Stabilizing Prices

By Andrew Scott

Ottawa - Speaking on a gold and diamond encrusted cell phone from high atop the pile of cash on which he also sleeps, Metro CEO Eric La Fleche again underscored his personal commitment to lowering food costs in order to show alignment with the government’s strategy to tackle the food affordability crisis.

“I’m an everyday Canadian too,” remarked La Fleche, between nibbles of caviar and profiteroles as fed to him by Paris Hilton on a yacht currently docked in Ibiza, “And while I may not know why groceries in Canada have outpaced inflation, I have tried to live the values of austerity and fiscal responsibility in order to show solidarity to my fellow Canadians.”

The motion, which calls top grocery CEOs back to Ottawa to meet with MPs for an in-camera session, has not yet been responded to by Galen Weston, who apparently has been having trouble utilizing the email feature on his jet ski. 

Andrew Scott is a musician and writer who lives in Toronto in a house amongst children, antiquated technology of yesteryear and many, many instruments. Instagram, writing, poetry, more poetry.