Guy With Work From Home Job Worries About How War Could Affect Him

By Luke O’Brien

Toronto - Local downtown resident Joshua Chips recently has announced to over 200 of his Twitter followers that he was, "feeling really anxious about this whole situation," and that "[he] barely can get [himself] under control to put in [his] lunch order with Uber Eats," after learning of reports of explosions in the Ukranian port city of Odessa in the Black Sea of southern Ukraine.

Mr. Chips expressed sorrow at the idea of Russian aggression to remain a world player in the zero-sum game of two sundowning imperialist powers attempting to violently wrestle control of an energy future that will worsen a rapidly heating world potentially making his commute to 7/11 and back "more spendy."

As hostilities increased due to a needlessly reckless push to arm neo-Nazi seperatists in Western Ukraine backed and trained by the Canadian government and threats of Ukranian admission into NATO catalysed a furious and cornered Vladimir Putin, Mr. Chips-- whose monthly $2.4k rent plus permanently occupied parking space is paid for by his real-estate connected family-- was noted to have had "probably the worst couple weeks of [his] life, to be honest, it's actually been very hard on [him], and coincidentally, [he] haven't had [his] [vile sexual activity] in forrrrever lol, it's chill though, [he] would be too upset to even do something like that lmao... unless... [blushing emoji]"

As more and more voices grow in the periphery to begin an even more reckless campaign of violence, a new round of economic sanctions will stagnate most economies badly and lead to needless suffering at home and abroad, a concept which alarmed Mr. Chips as he noted that he had "been through a *literal* pandemic y'all" and that he will, "be straight up pissed" if this extraordinary, horrific violence borne of years of geopolitical negligence and antagonism "ruins [his] summer holiday in Portugal this year"

Luke O’Brien is a contributing writer at The Toronto Harold currently being investigated by Interpol for distribution of pirated VHS tapes.