Op-Ed: Toxic Friend Wants To Hang Out Now That We’re In Phase 3
By Reginald “Reggie” Louwhasko
Liberty Village - Hey! It’s me! Your old pal Reggie! How’s your Mom? Is she still a babe? Maybe, I’ll go visit her later. Just kidding...or am I?
It’s Phase 3 and I thought you’d have given me a call to go hang out by now. We’ve had so many great times together and I can't believe you haven’t asked to come to my condo and hang out with your best bud.
Remember that time I pantsed you at work while you were making a presentation. That was a special day for us.
I tried you a few weeks ago. They had this secret, illegal, no-mask, no-social distancing party on King West. The old you would have been down for that! I guess, the new you is too cool. Man, there was this chick there, total babe! I was telling her about that time you passed out and I drew dicks on your face then posted it to your LinkedIn.
Side question, did you ever get that job at BMO you were interviewing for?
I'm thinking of a time years ago in Niagara Falls. I got loaded and trashed our hotel room and you picked up the bill. Like a champ! You were a solid friend that day. I’m still gonna pay you back. You know I’m good for it!
I remember the last time I saw you. It was March, I had just gotten back from my trip to Italy. I had this bad cough. I probably should have stayed in bed, but I rallied and met you in the restaurant anyway. Self-isolation is for babies. I couldn’t wait to tell you about this girl I hooked up with over there. So hot! Only problem was I think she had the flu or something. Dude! Italy was like, full of sick people.
You're being a bad friend not returning my calls. Well, don’t worry pal! I have lots of friends to call. Or maybe, I’ll just stay at home and fuck myself. But, I’ll probably be too busy hanging out with all of my other friends! You're missing out pal!
But seriously, call me anytime. It’s been too long.
Paul Dudar is currently serving with The Royal Canadian Space Shuttle Door Gunners. More of Paul's work can be found at @pauldudar and on his website at pauldudar.com