The Strongest Guy You Know Literally Didn’t Even Notice Butter Is Harder To Spread
“Oh butter’s harder now at room temperature? Haha I didn’t notice because I haven’t lost an ounce of muscle mass this whole pandemic.”
-some dude named Trevor probably
By Scott Slute
Woodbridge - A new study coming out of Dalhousie University claiming that butter has become harder to spread throughout the pandemic fell on deaf ears to one Woodbridge man because he’s actually just that strong.
“Ya some guy was telling me that there’s this new science thing saying butter was hard to spread but I was like ‘Naw, not for me guy’ because I still workout literally every day,” some bro you went to high school with tells us in an exclusive interview.
In order to keep up with the dairy demands during the course of the COVID-19 pandemic, food scientists believe an increase in palm oil used in dairy cow feed is to blame.
“It’s really quite simple. Introducing palm oil into the cow’s diet will quickly increase the level of butterfat in the milk produced,” explained Cheryl Bourne, a food researcher at Dalhousie, “The problem is that the milk will contain higher levels of saturated fat, resulting in a higher point if fusion for products like butter. Unless of course you do 50 pushups a night then you can tear right through that fusion point no problem.
“Ya guy I’m fucking fusioning these muscles everyday with the 70lb kettlebell my Nona bought me back in May,” the tough guy continued, “And ya guy I’ve been slicing through that butter no problem which is great because I’m also keto so I eat a lot of butter and didn’t even notice it was harder, guy.”
The man, who we assume is probably named Steven, then explained to us his theory that butter wasn’t harder but people were just weaker because gyms were closed. “Ya guy, I don’t need GoodLife to workout, you can get a great workout at home just look at me. Did I mention I haven’t lost any muscle mass since last March?”
Steven then departed in his 2013 Hyundi Sonata to go pick up cannoli’s because it was his cheat day.
Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold