Solid Gold Galen Weston Assures Canadians He’s Doing Everything He Can To Fight Inflation

Toronto - Loblaws CEO Galen Weston, who recently covered his entire body with 24 karat gold plating, has stated that he and his company are working tirelessly to keep prices affordable while also having recording record high profits.

In a video posted to Loblaws’ social media pages, Weston promised Canadians that the additional $1 million a day in profits the company made this year was a result of just how much Canadians love No Name brand macaroni and cheese, and also that his new precious metal skin was part of a medical procedure.

In September, food prices jumped 11.4% compared to one year prior. Weston said he started scratching his head (which resulted in gold flake dandruff to sprinkle on his desk) as to how he could keep things affordable in his stores. He finally settled on price freezing the in-house brands that had already jumped in price higher than the global inflation rate.

A consumer report has found that despite the price inflations, the company saw profits $180 million higher than their best year. The company also made a recent payment of that same amount to Barrick Gold which Weston assured was for a President’s Choice Edible Gold gelato flavour they were releasing for Christmas.

Weston said that, despite the fact his new gold skin blocked his sweat glands preventing him from perspiring, he wasn’t sweating about this inflation, reminding Canadians we are all in this together. He announced that, once he could acquire a camera that could properly capture his shiny new complexion, he would release a new television ad campaign to help Canadians choose which of their children should go hungry.