Instagram to Begin Censoring The Sad, Pathetic Meals You Keep Posting During Quarantine

By Scott Slute

San Fransisco - The photo-sharing app announced today it will be instructing site moderators to limit and suppress photos of extremely disappointing meals. As the world continues to be on lockdown due to the novel coronavirus, the site noted a 1600% site-wide increase in posts related to extremely woeful sandwiches and violently uninspired pasta dishes.

Reports from the Silicon Valley headquarters have noted that the increase in photos of dispondent tuna melts and overcooked, unseasoned chicken breasts have begun to overwhelm Instagram’s servers.

“We here at Instagram are aware that given the current quarantine and social distancing measures in place across the country, many of our users are suffering from a lack of worthwhile content to post,” stated a press release from the company issued this afternoon, “But please note that a global pandemic is still not grounds for you to go live on our app and film yourself for eight and a half minutes showing everyone how to do a terrible job making dejected looking scrambled eggs.” 

Some users have expressed concern over this new policy. Instagram-influencer advocacy group “Barstool Girls Matter” noted that without the ability to post pictures of off-grey coloured overnight oatmeal and wilted salads displayed in over-sized wooden bowls, many influencers would be forced to spend time alone with their thoughts and reflect on the poor life choices that led them to become influencers. 

The website OnlyFans has stated they will also be implementing new quarantine related censorship, particularly cracking down on your friend Jay who is not a professional athlete but has for some reason decided quarantine is the perfect time to start posting his instructional workout videos to the site in an attempt to make extra money. 

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold