Toronto Zoo To Begin Feeding Less Cool Animals To The More Popular Ones
By Scott Slute
Toronto - After it was announced yesterday the zoo was seeking donations to help feed the animals amidst the COVID-19 closure, officials from the Toronto Zoo have stated this morning that they are actually going to just feed the boring animals to the more popular ones.
“I can’t believe it took us this long to figure out this solution,” said zookeeper Hannibal Stov, “How many black-footed ferrets do we even need. No one is saying ‘Hey wanna go to the zoo and check out some ferrets’. And raccoons? Why do we even have a racoon exhibit they literally live in the dumpster behind the gift shop.”
The zoo announced it will begin feeding animals including the North American river otter, the Lesser snow goose, and the Barbary sheep to the predators who draw in bigger crowds including the Arctic wolf, jaguar, and of course the African Lion, as well as any animal capable of doing tricks that can be exploited for a show.
The cute but boring animals, including the Red Panda, Snow Leopard and Pygmy hippo, have been given a verbal warning by zoo staff that if they don’t start doing more adorable things on the live webcam feed, they can expect to be eaten next.
Some staff have voiced concern that this new policy will lead to zookeepers using it as a way to enact revenge upon animals who have wronged them in past.
“I swear to God as soon as we run out of Himalayan Tahrs I’m throwing that cocky asshole Clyde the Orangutang right into the tiger pit,” said Chuck Lowe, head zookeeper of the Indo-Malaya pavilion.
Clyde and Chuck made headlines in 2018 after a video from the zoo went viral showing Clyde stealing Chuck’s wallet, followed by Chuck comically slipping on a banana peel while trying to retrieve his wallet. Chuck recently returned to work this year after fracturing four vertebrae during the incident which required six surgeries and months of rehabilitation.
Ripley’s Aquarium has similarly claimed that as soon as they can find where that stupid, camouflaged octopus is hiding they are going to immediately feed it to the staff’s favourite shark named Greg.
The zoo did note some of its popular animals were not carnivores, a realization they stumbled upon after the gorillas befriended the yak that was put in their enclosure. For these animals, the Toronto Zoo will continue to accept donations here.
Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold