“It’s About To Be Patio Season In Heaven, Bro” Toronto Patio-Goer Tells Friend As He Succumbs To Hypothermia

By Scott Slute

Toronto - With the recent announcement of patios being extended through the winter, Torontonians are sharing their excitement for being able to drink outside in -7 degree weather for some reason. 

Residents of the popular King West bar scene tell us they’re thrilled to be able to continue doing shots of 1800 tequila while their body’s natural protective instincts urge them to head inside and seek shelter.

“Guy, it’s absolutely sick that I can keep drinking outside where people can see me instead of being forced to do it alone and in my home,” a visibly intoxicated man wearing a blazer over a t-shirt tells us.  

Unfortunately for some, drinking in negative temperatures also comes with negative consequences. Two nights ago, 24 year old Brody Jackson died of hypothermia while drinking on the patio of the popular Nickels and Dimes Cocktail Bar.

The coroner’s report says Brody’s cause of death came from when he kept spilling beer down the front of his shirt, which given the sub-freezing temperatures eventually formed a thick layer of frozen beer around his internal organs. His organs eventually shut down down to being frozen, and the young Brody died, Heineken in hand.

But the news of his passing isn’t going to let Brody’s friends stop the party. 

“It’s such a bummer Brody died, but now he can party on the ultimate patio; heaven,” Brody’s friend Scott tells us, “Everyone’s pretty upset, but we’ve still been coming back to the patio every night since in his honour, even though the bartender’s beg us to go home and release them from this never ending nightmare.”

Scott also tells us that Brody’s passing on the night “extra sucked because we had to pay his bill and that guy drank like 8 beers that weren’t even on special that night.”

Apart from dying, restaurant goers have reported other negative side-effects of outdoor dining in the winter, including food that immediately gets cold and an overwhelming sense of resentment from the staff who are forced to serve them when there’s freezing rain out. 

“The food used to be good here, but ever since the temperatures have dropped below freezing my chicken club is basically ruined after being on the table for a few minutes,” 22 year old Kara Hartford says of her former favourite bar Dublin Local, “And like good luck bringing up the terrible food to the staff. They just roll their eyes and mutter something about wishing they were laid off.”

We reached out to several restaurant employees for their comments on outdoor dining in the winter but none of them got back to us because they don’t actually exist. 

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold