TTC Invests $17 Into New COVID-Related Safety Measures

By Scott Slute

Toronto - With coronavirus cases steadily rising, and more and more residents relying on public transit during the winter months, the TTC has announced they will be making their vehicles as safe as they possibly can on a $17 budget. 

The TTC revealed and their new safety measures will include a couple quickly thrown together signs, asking riders not to overcrowd the bus but never actually following up with consequences, and having drivers drop a shawarma on some seats so people don’t sit on them.

“We’ve printed close to 100 pieces of paper saying ‘Please Don’t Sit Here :)’,” TTC Chairperson Jaye Robinson tells reporters, “The health and safety of our riders is one of the TTC’s top priorities, directly behind profits, and using Fare Inspection Officers as our own personal Gestapo.” 

“The TTC has several new safety programs we will be implementing in the coming months,” Robinson continued, “For example, to deal with over crowding on the busy 504 streetcar, every hour we will be releasing a homeless man onto one random vehicle who will run up and down streetcar screaming and throwing empty cans of Carling Ice at riders until they get off and walk the rest of their commute.”

A Global News reporter questioned how safe these new measures were, indicated that the TTC was really just putting the onus on the riders.  

“If this pandemic has taught us anything it’s that residents of this city are kind-hearted and selfless, and will put their own needs aside for the greater good,” Robinson responded, “Why, we’ve almost gone an entire week without someone getting shot in an LCBO parking lot over a dispute about not wearing a mask.” 

The TTC also assured everyone that their extremely minimal safety budget was because TTC vehicles were already super safe, and had nothing to do with Premier Ford spending millions on his pipe dream of having an Etobicoke subway line. 

Scott Slute is the Editor in Chief at The Toronto Harold